Don't you just love em!!!! I do. That flash of certain understanding. That moment when the things you struggle with (and man, do I struggle!) all come together, and begin to not only make sense of your thoughts and emotions, but flood you with instant relief! I would have to say that epiphanies are right up there with comfy undies, clean sheets and a big glass of Sangria. Oh, if only they happened more often! I long for them, yearn for them, and yet they are a rare, happening in my life. And yet, all digressing aside, I had one this morning.
It was a lovely Saturday morning - the first one in some weeks where Nev has not had to work. We had no plans for the day, but Nev and the children went off early on some secret shopping mission (hopefully this involves something for our 16th wedding anniversary this Friday!!!!) and left me snuggled up in bed with my book. As much as I love to read, I felt there were so many other things that I should have been tackling. So setting the CD player on "very loud" with one of my favourite CD's - Big Daddy Weave - I launched into the dishes and general housework.
OK - now to give some insight into how my head works (only a small insight - even Blogger wouldn't put up with a rave that huge!) - here I am perfectly happy in my home, some time for myself, housework being accomplished, sun shining, health in fairly good state, happy children, loving husband, great friends etc etc, and I start thinking - I bet Saminda would be sitting prettily somewhere with a cup of tea in a dainty cup, reading her Bible and listening to some peaceful classical music, I bet Cathy would be sitting somewhere quietly reflecting on the life growing inside of her, all peaceful and thankful to God for the blessing of being a mother, I bet Jen is giving all of herself to her beautiful family, I bet Karen is out in the garden she loves so much, being at one with nature etc. In fact I went through all my friends and convinced myself that they are making far beter use of their lives and of their time than I do.
All I was doing was listening to some really loud music and attempting to tidy up my messy house. I stopped scrubbing out the Sangria pot and leaned my head on the kitchen bench. A tired and faintly miserable sigh escaped my lips. And then I became aware of the words of the song I was listening to.......
Unbelievable, I'm blown away it's true
By the matchless love that I find in you
Ever patiently, accepting me
Lord you love in spite of everything I do
And it makes me want to dance
You love me, you love me
Just the way I am
Not when I'm good enough, not when I've cleaned my act up,
Not when I've crossed the lines a thousand times to become a better man,
Your grace is more than enough to cover all my sins - they're washed away and you're right here to stay
And you love me just the way I am
Needless to say, I cried. The dishes didn't get finished. But God and I are smiling at each other right now because, finally - I think - I get it. He loves me - just the way I am.
And it makes me want to dance!